Am I a bad person?

[Yukaphile]

I feel as if I want to add to this. You are correct, BridgeConsoleMasher, in that I tend to look at the world through a filtered pseudo-religious lens. Judgment, facing your sins, punishment, salvation, and above all, a fair system that ensures no one ever gets away with their crimes. But it's so conflicting because they can and do get away with it, sometimes in huge numbers. It's nice and easy to tell ourselves "they'll get theirs someday," but what evidence is there to support this? The ancients didn't know what we know now. All that biblical phenomenon could be easily explained as stuff like asteroids hitting the Earth, or something else. And even if that's true, how do we know acts of "good" can't balance out the negativity in the soul in the other direction? Even after crossing the line multiple times, you can still come back to the light, purify your soul? How does that all conform to those views, to justice? It's meaningless. This all intersects. My views on justice, Feminism, equality, life, death, my dreams to hopefully find my other half, the afterlife, and if there's any point in going on. Sometimes, when I look at how vicious the world is, how random injustice past the pale that reaches a level never seen before takes place, and people can brush it off, don't care, make excuses for it... then what IS the point, really? This is why I've often struggled with suicidal tendencies. We all know what's coming. We all deal with the inevitable in some way or another. There is literally nothing stopping me from doing evil past my own morality, or claiming my own life. What logical reason do I have not to, past fear of death? As much as the idea of learning what awaits us after comforts me, it also terrifies me to death (no pun intended). Who knows? We don't. So... in the grand scheme of things, just because I've never committed a crime or crossed the line, how does that make me a good person? Madner Kami said it best when he talked about how wanting to burn the land after you leave like when I was booted out of poparena's community is a sign of not being a good person at the core, but wanting to be. I feel that descriptions sums me up perfectly. I feel very hollow inside, sometimes empty, but I do try to do what I intellectually know the right thing is, but... limited resources. I'm also frankly terrified of the idea of taking revenge or fighting somebody, or you know, anything that leads down a path of physical violence, for I fear it's way too easy to grow to like it, or it might awaken something darker within you. It's why I'm a pacifist. I feel as if I want to die for my ideals, because then it will make me "better" than those I hate. Isn't that vanity and pride? Aren't those bad qualities?

[King Green]

Yukaphile, you are a strong person at mind, not heart. Yes, I know that other strong at heart stuff but this is inverse. For you, you are extremely aware of the situations around you and allow yourself to self-punish, that's not healthy at all! For me living in the 2nd heart of the US, I suffer, mind, blood, bone, perception and rejections of merciful death to kiss my cold, blue lips everytime I see madness. I, in strength of hate and despair, still love and tolerate those I call beloved, all others have their vassel of heaven but refuse to leave that vassel. I do see some truth in their denial of all-things.
As a Christian as yourself, I hold to the 3 golden rules of that religion.

1. Love: Love is a log, you can shape it any way you deem, as that log becomes what your choice of love is what you CAN create. E.g. a stool represents the love of friends, as you talk and drink.

2. Tolerance: Like hide of an animal you grow year by year to dense yourself from the out, but not the in. Let others call you weak, small, pigeon-brained, or slave-born. Conflict will always be our teacher, nature taught us how to always use our adaptive abilities for not our benifit, but for feeding it so it can give us more strength to overcome.

3. Forgiveness: Liberation is key to removing the chains that eternally bring you to sorrow. You can forgive others of their actions if they acknowledge what other actions they could have taken, they themselves can as well forgive you if you yourself can acknowledge alternative options.

All humans; man, woman, child, they all are aware of the instinctual "curse" put upon them that forces them to subjugate and enslave beings of greater or lesser power, always to provide more power for any enslaved who cries for de-existence.
All this may sound BS but not much when you start dreaming a pitch black void with only the sound of eerie human-like sorrow and clinks of iron chains, then thats the instinctual meaning that something will happen to be wrong.

...The quotation on my profile isn't always organic, but more of what I can vaguely describe the lucid dream I had. I described this, entity, this, what many in a lucid-state would call a bastard-creator. Not like the Judeo-Christian God many admire and learn from, but something more older and something that would make Judgement Day look like a test-run for humanity.

[Yukaphile]

Wow, been a while since I saw this thread.

Look, I know I can come off as a huge asshole sometimes. That I'm OCD, to the point of being unhealthy sometimes, as Mecha82 himself has noted. But the point is I haven't committed any crimes. I feel like, if it's that easy for me not to commit crimes, and I have been homeless before, living off the charity of others, so I do know hardship, why do others do so? I have a very clear moral line, and I don't cross it.

I wish others wouldn't cross that line. I will confess something. I've been so outraged at the world before, like five or six years ago, I felt as if I could have gone on a shooting spree. "Felt as if." As a passing temptation to vent. And in the end, I can't do it anyway. I could imagine what it's like to "punish" people who are "evil," but at the same time, having to carry it out myself, I would remember those people for the rest of my life. Just angry at everyone. Blame everyone, blame Republicans, blame God, blame society. But that doesn't work that way. Then you'd be just like those you dislike, and validate what they've said and done. And lo and behold, I haven't done that at all in those five or six years. How many others have in that time? We've seen them all on the news...

Even so, my greatest concern is the justice for those who do commit such crimes. I will have to carry that inner darkness within me till I die. I will always fight it. Those who do not, who clearly cross the moral line most good people of conscience agree on... how do you handle them? Especially when they don't account for what they've done in this life? And yet, even in old biblical texts, it talks about the "thorn in your flesh." Even assuming you can be forgiven, you have to account, it seems. Carry that with you till you see what you've done to others. This is why I've grown to really like a spiritualist medium type's belief. You carry what you are and your accumulated karma into the afterlife, and while it can be VERY painful, it's not about punishment, but a greater enlightenment, which means seeing from your victim's eyes, it means accepting it, and burning off that karma.

In the end, I just dislike the "easily forgiven" crowd as much as the "let's start a holy jihad that will hurt so many" crowd. Both are a hindrance. Some things you can come back from, sure. But in the limited time we have on Earth and given people's inherent double standards and contradictions, in those outlier cases, true redemption seems unlikely. And likewise, murdering somebody who has personally never hurt you is just... pure evil, and we all have control over our own autonomy. I have not crossed that line. And both "easy forgiveness" and "the holy jihad" crowd hurt others in their own way.

I've really wanted to try and give others a break from this forum lately, so they don't have to put up with my bullshit, but... eh. I just keep posting. I think I might try to do so seriously for now.

[BridgeConsoleMasher]

But the point is I haven't committed any crimes.

Not that we know of at least.

[Yukaphile]

I don't get your point here? Yeah, fair enough in the context of online posting, but even so, I'm not blind. Our system is getting better and better at stopping crime. If I WAS guilty, rest assured, I wouldn't keep coming back. They'd get me eventually. Forensics, DNA testing, and whatever else is just that good, and only improving.

[BridgeConsoleMasher]

I don't get your point here?

https://youtu.be/Ny_mr3QX9Q8?t=200